infertility · IVF · Picking a Name

What’s in a Name?

“When are you due?!”

“Do you know what you are having?”

“Have you picked a name?”

95% of the time, strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family alike will ask these three questions in this specific order.  Pretty much word for word.  I’m not going to say it’s annoying at all – because it’s a complete joy to talk about the growing miracle inside of me, even if I’m answering the exact three lines with my seemingly broken record of answers.  I love it.  But I will say I have turned into a bit of a “liar” when responding to  the last question.

Joe and I have had our baby names (mostly) decided for over five years now.  Our girl name has stayed the same, and our boy name has changed once (3 years ago).   When we miscarried in November of 2016, we did not know the sex of the baby (although my gut told me “girl”) nor did we opt to find out after the fact.  **Sidenote – why someone would want to know what their dead baby’s sex WAS is beyond me.   But that was one of our options… ugh… **  However, Joe and I did refer to that baby as “Turbo” via text message, home conversations, etc.  Were we actually going to name that baby Turbo?  No!  But “Bean” and “Monkey” seemed a bit to cliche and we wanted to refer to it as something.  So… “Turbo” it was!

After that baby was found to no longer be on this side of Heaven, I hated that we gave it a name, even one that was as silly as “Turbo.”  Every car commercial that included the word “Turbo” killed me inside.  You’d be surprised how often that silly little word is used in daily life. (Okay, maybe it doesn’t help to be married to a car enthusiast).   Had we found out the sex of that baby (prior to our miscarriage) I’m sure we would have spoken/used either our boy or girl name throughout the pregnancy.  Heck!  We may have even made it public.  I cannot imagine the extra level of “killing me inside” that would occur had we used the intended “real name” out loud before the child was born, and then lost it.

Fast forward to this pregnancy.  We found out we were having a boy in January of this year, and were thrilled.  Once we did our Disney gender reveal,28694054_10156173026226639_1227863114_o that last question of “name” began to creep into the list of “common questions” we received.   However, even before we got to that point, Joe and I decided we would not be telling anyone the name of this baby, nor would we use it at all around the house.  Sure, a couple of close family members have heard the name a while back (when we were first pregnant in 2016 and had a quick conversation about “our boy name” and “our girl name”) but even they were told not to ever speak it out loud.

He needs to be breathing before we give him his name.  

He needs to be breathing before we give him his name.  

(I don’t want any misinterpretation here.  I’m not saying I believe life begins when a babybaby names.jpg takes it’s first breath.  I fully anticipate I will one day get to meet “Turbo” in Heaven regardless of the fact that “she” never took an Earthly breath.  And as morbid as it sounds, that fact has greatly changed my thoughts on death more than anything else in my life ever has.  I simply cannot wait to meet that little one.  I’m going to wait… obviously… but I’m no longer scared of death, at least in the same way I was before Nov. 2016. )

I digress…

He needs to be breathing before we give him his name.  

Recently, Joe has started to break my rule.  He has said/uses Baby Seags’ name in the house with more and more frequency as we are getting closer to B-Day (or maybe I should say C-Day?  Get it?  C-Section?  Oh the birth humor!).  He’s even making up little songs or using nicknames based off the name.  It used to make me mad, but I quickly realized that it shouldn’t.  Just because I have a mental “block” related to using Baby’s name doesn’t mean Joe does as well.  Heck!  I think he may be using the name out loud with greater frequency as a way to mentally prepare himself for the big change that is about to happen in his life.   Who am I to tell him not to do that?  Everyone copes differently with life changes, or uses their own defense mechanisms to get through the day.  Joe uses baby’s name often in sentences like, “I wonder when ___ will be old enough to go to Cars and Coffee with me?,” or while singing baby’s initials to classic Disney songs.   I, on the other hand, break into tears when I accidentally tell his pediatrician’s office what his name will be.  The ONE time I have said it out loud.  By accident!  UGH!  (See! There is a reason I don’t say it!)

So now, instead, I lie.   It’s easier than telling people “Yes we do have a name but if I say it out loud before he is breathing I might have a mental break down.”

“What’s his name going to be?”

“Oh we can’t decide.” 

“Depends on if my husband let’s me pick or if he gets to pick.” 

“We’ll decide after we see what he looks like.”

It does make answering the basic three questions a bit more fun, honestly.  I mean, the number of “possible lies” is endless.  But do you know what will be the most fun?

Six days from now, I will finally say his name out loud.  And I’m crying as I type this.  I cannot wait to see him.  Will he have hair?  Will it be red hair like his daddy had?  How much will he weigh?  Who will he look like?  All very exciting things.  But what is most exciting to me… what I am looking forward to the most… is when I can say hello to him by name after I hear that very first cry.

What’s in a name?  A hell of a lot.  

images-1.jpg
Hoping Baby Boy doesn’t feel like this… Ha!

 

 

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