Faith · infertility · IVF

New Socks

Do you know what one of my favorite simple pleasures in life is?

Putting on a brand new pair of socks. 

When socks are brand new they are extremely soft, thick, and just all around cozy.  A week or so ago I ordered a package of new socks (on Amazon… another new favorite simple pleasure of mine) and was excited, as always, when they arrived.

“Six days in a row of brand new socks.  SCORE!”

Well you know what is even more exciting?   When you find one of those new pairs of socks in the back of your sock drawer – never worn – after you thought you had experienced all the “first day pleasures” that package of new socks had to offer.

This morning I found that “final new pair.”  Exciting.

(*Sidenote:  I probably sound like a crazy person.  Should I delete this post in general because of how odd I feel as I type multiple paragraphs about my love of wearing new socks?  The answer is probably yes… )

I was not in a rush.  In fact, I was running ahead of schedule.  To be fair, I generally move briskly when walking anywhere, and even though I’m starting to “show,” as they say, I haven’t really gained THAT much weight.  This baby still weighs like, 1/2 a pound at the MOST!  I still move at the same pace I always have.  So this morning, as I put on my new socks and got ready to head downstairs to say goodbye to Georgie before heading to work, I went about as I normally do.

…and fell halfway down the stairs. 

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Lucky for me, it was the first half, saving me from running into the doggie gate at the bottom.  Additionally, I fell on my bottom.  Probably best for baby.  But did that matter?  Nope.  Did I react rationally?  Nope.  Did I call my mom in tears?  Absolutely.  Did I then email my doctor (as though he could magically see into my uterus just from opening my email and tell me everything would be okay)?  You bet.

“All I want is to know the baby is okay,”  I kept thinking.    I don’t care about my bruised bottom or my sore neck.  I don’t care that I feel really, really, stupid.  I wish this baby would just KICK ME already.    Let me know it’s still there.  Still okay.   Kick me!  Punch me!  Tell me you are mad at me for bouncing us both down the stairs!

Now that’s a whole new topic.  First “flutters” happen (according to the all-knowing Google) anywhere from 13 weeks to 23 weeks.  Today I’m 18w1d.  Just as ultrasounds were my “proof” of a thriving baby before this point, all day long I thought “flutters” or “kicks” could be my new “ultrasounds.”  My new “proof.”  Sometime last week around the 17w4d mark I felt what I thought might be the first real “flutter.”  But it’s hard to know, having never truly experienced anything like this before.  Flutters are sometimes mistaken for gas, or could just be made up in one’s head.  So how would I really know?   I’ve been very cautious to call something a real “movement.”  There’s nothing worse than thinking something is going one way (the way of “thriving”) when in reality its not.  Not only is there the disappointment, but there’s the stupidity factor.

That aside, I did feel what I thought was something last week.  It was slight.  And I’ve felt it a little bit everyday from that day on, but not with enough confidence to call it “real.”  Maybe it was in my head.  Maybe it was gas?  I refuse to really call it the baby without being 100% confident it is.

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Well, post graceful stair descent today,  I’d have taken anything.  Gas included!  All I wanted was something “little” to give me some kind of hope to get through the day.

Did I get it?  Nope.

But I kept on with my day.  School, therapy at the house, playtime with Georgie, dinner, and finally watching the last hour of The Bachelor from last night (I fell asleep at 8:00pm last night… I mean, my favorite girl is gone… hometowns are boring… what’s the point of staying up until 9:00pm anymore!?).  So I watched it tonight.   And thats when it happened.

I don’t know if it was Baby Seags telling me she/he did or didn’t like Bekka K., or what, but for an entire 20-25 minutes this baby made his/her presence known.  No doubts.  It wasn’t gas.  It was, what felt like, and an alien doing somersaults and/or karate punches inside me.   And its still happening right now as I’m typing these words.

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I’ve pondered these few ideas today:

  1. God is compassionate.
  2. God does send us signs.  Look for them.
  3. God does things on His own time.
  4. New socks do feel great, but should be worn cautiously on the stairs when your equilibrium continues to become more and more off balance.
  5. Always hold the railing (I tell/sing this to my kids multiple times a day at school… You’d thing I could do this in my own house?)

 

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow.  

 

 

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