(All together now… to the tune of “Tradition” from Fiddler on the Roof…)
TransiTIONs, TransItions! TRANSITIONS! TransiTIONs, TransItions. TRANSITIONS!
The word of the week. Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically.
I’m 11w5d as I type this blog post, and I can say with certainty that this week has been a transitional week for me in many different ways. I mean, our first doctor’s appointment with Dr. Pae is on Tuesday of next week, and I’m about to type things very much not contingent on the results of that visit. I’m typing them now.
Before I hear a heartbeat again.
Before I see an active baby Seager ultrasound (if he does one? I don’t know).
My mind is very much transitioning.
I think it all started when I went back to school on Wednesday after Christmas break. At least one staff member greeted me with, “Congratulations.” To be completely honest, this was not the first time this has happened (excluding the positive beta at 4 weeks post). The first time in recent days began around Christmas and onward. I’ve been getting the “Congratulations” thing when I come across family members, co-workers, or friends I have not seen in while, but it really caught me off guard this week.
Did I win some award?
Am I getting a new student in my room from “so and so’s” room?
Wait… are they saying this because I’m pregnant?
To quote a friend,
“It’s a funny thing when your mind switches over from ‘infertility thoughts’ to ‘pregnancy thoughts.’“
It’s not a light switch for me. I think after a miscarriage it never could be. But on a dimmer switch scale, I’m now closer to “pregnancy brain” than “infertility brain,” and the rotation of that dimmer dial has been picking up speed dramatically over the last several days.
I mean… two days ago…. I contacted a woman about her in-home daycare options… beginning in November.
Yesterday I communicated with a retired SLP about her thoughts on covering my maternity leave next Fall.
I asked off work for a couple of days in March for a short “Babymoon” vacation.
And last but certainly not least…
… I bought 2 pairs of maternity jeans.
Now, I’m a Godly woman. I don’t believe in superstition, or any of that mumbo jumbo, however I’ve been a bit skeptical to plan anything to do with this baby being alive and a part of our lives. I didn’t want to jinx it. It’s just too painful when it doesn’t work out.
But how do you not when your body starts to SHOW you it has a baby inside? How do you not think about if it’s a boy or a girl in the car on the way to work? How do you NOT WEAR JEANS ANYMORE and only wear your leggings or sweatpants… ALL THE TIME!
The answer is… you don’t. You become excited. You wonder about the sex. You plan ahead for daycare, maternity leave, look for flights, google how to buy maternity clothes for the first time… (You wouldn’t think that a challenging task, but it is! What if I buy something wrong or stupid or waste money someplace expensive when there is a way cheaper option?).
According to Google, there is somewhere between a 3-5% chance of miscarriage for us right now. While that may be the case scientifically, only God knows if this pregnancy will continue in a healthy, life-sustaining fashion. I’m transitioning all of my worries on to Him, and grabbing hold of those verbal “Congratulations” as a “normal”, pregnant mama would. My dimmer dial continues to trend upward toward a more and more “illuminated” mindset.
We are having a baby.
Even this blog is transitioning. I don’t need it anymore, at least not in the same way. Originally, this blog was meant to keep me sane. I needed to write. I needed to find the good (and God) in my situation and publicly post it to the world in order to hold myself accountable, both mentally as a human being and spiritually as a Christian. I felt “Megan” slipping away with each passing day, and this blog (along with the Holy Spirit guiding my thoughts and fingers) is what saved me.
Today, I no longer require saving. This blog is transitioning as well. Will I still write? Certainly! (You cannot start a journey and end in the middle – ironic, really, as my very first blog post was, “Starting in the Middle.”) But now this blog is something new. It’s a documentary of a pregnancy. It’s a story. It’s a witness.
And hopefully, one day, it will be a beacon of Christian love, faith, and hope for a Seager child who may have deep struggles of his or her own. May that child always know the love of it’s parents. The deep desire we had for it to make us a family of 4 (including George, of course). And the faith and hope we kept along the long and arduous journey.
We are having a baby. Praise God.