Faith · infertility · IVF

A Great Birthday, A Rough December

I had a wonderful birthday.  I’m not sure many people like getting older, but I can happily say that I’m glad “Year 28” has come and gone.  I didn’t like who I became (most) of last year, and I’m much happier now with “Megan at 29.

No matter what, Megan at 29 has a stronger faith.

And I’m leaning heavily on that faith tonight.

I spent much of my day preparing and planning.  I do not see students on Fridays, so I planned the entire month of December (which felt awesome) and prepared many art projects, books, games, etc for the last month before Christmas break.  I also had the long, annoying, phone conversation with my health insurance company (who transferred me over and over and OVER again to the wrong operator) until I finally was connected to the right person in order to figure out why I was paying for expensive medications that I know SHOULD be free right now. (We’ve MORE than hit our deductible this year… shocker!).

I prepared my sub plan for next week Wednesday, Dec. 6th when my next ultrasound would be.  I would be 7w2d.

I would be.

 

 

 

I finished my sub plan.  Went to the printer.  Printed it off.  Went to the bathroom.

And cried.

I called my clinic (3:15pm), as instructed in instances of this nature, and talked to a very kind nurse over the phone.  Explained my situation and she was very optimistic.

“Nine times out of ten nothing is wrong.  This is completely normal.”

I stated, “I know.  But did you look at my chart?  They said I should be more cautious because of my low numbers at my first Beta.”

She looked.

And her tone changed.

“Oh, I do see that now.  And you had an ultrasound and it looks like you were measuring a bit behind.  Well, I’d say it’s still anyone’s game.  Come in tomorrow at 7:30am and we will do blood work.”

I called my mom.  I called Joe.  I cried.

I’m sure I’m not done crying.  But I’m okay.

I know there is the possibility that this may not be a miscarriage, but I know that it is.  I know my body.  I know what it feels like to be pregnant.  I know what it feels like to be not pregnant.   Over the last four days, I have felt much less “pregnant” from a “uterine standpoint” and today all of a sudden I felt “uterine feelings” again.  But now the feelings have changed.  They are not the same as before.  On top of that…. dark, scary, clots are being emitted from my body.  (I’m sorry if that is too graphic… I promise no pictures!)  My boobs don’t hurt as much as they did yesterday.

Am I sad?  Yes.

But I am not depressed.  I am not broken.  Heartbroken, yes.  But NOT BROKEN.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

 

I can feel the closeness of the Lord tonight.  I really love that He has a plan.  (Wish he would share it with me!) I’m trying not to be afraid.

I don’t need prayers that this baby is still there.  That’s dumb.  It is what it is.  And you can’t pray for it to “come back.”  For it’s heart beat to start again (if it ever started at all).  But prayers for peace…prayers for an easy, quick, and painless process seem appropriate.

Cautiously optimistic” was real.   Thank God that this is the only thing in my life that I need to be “cautiously optimistic” about.  I have no questions about my marriage.  No questions about the love of my family.  The care and concern of my friends.  My home.  My job.  Where my next meal will come from.  And most importantly, I’m not cautiously optimistic about the love and presence of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Much needed Strength for today, and BRIGHT HOPE (and faith) for tomorrow.

 

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One thought on “A Great Birthday, A Rough December

  1. “Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.” We sang that hymn on Thanksgiving Eve- and those words say it all. Thank you for sharing your story, Megan- and for sharing it so honestly and so eloquently.

    Liked by 1 person

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