The artsy is lacking. At least for right now, as I type. I don’t anticipate I’ll spend my usual amount of time adding pictures or making allegories to other life lessons. Heck, my grammar and spelling may not even be correct. I’m just feeling emotionally spent. And I’m tired. So how about just the plain old story?
I woke up way too early last night and took a pregnancy test…sort of. It was something like 12:45am. I mean, I did take the test, but I didn’t look at it. While I so badly wanted to be prepared for today’s “results phone call” – I just wasn’t ready to actually see the results yet. I still had a lot of sleep I needed to get so why see a blank stick and then try to sleep after that?
So I went back to bed. And slept until 4:15. From then I was up. Did I look at the stick? Nope. Took a shirt from the floor, and (while walking in the dark) quickly went to the location of the test and covered it up before turning on the light. I got ready. Curled my hair, make up…. all that. Still couldn’t look. I went downstairs (“taco test” shirt in hand) and got some morning George time in before I got in my car to go to my mom’s. I brought a donut and a water, thinking:
“I’ll be there super early… I’ll sit in the drive way, look at the test, and eat my donut.”
Nope. Just at the donut.
My mom came out and we looked together. This is what we saw:
At first glance it’s negative…. but from my experience of looking at hundreds or perhaps even thousands of tests (my own & other’s I’ve seen online) I knew it was not negative. Even a small line is a positive. This made the drive down to the clinic much more positive (pun intended) than I anticipated.
Blood draw complete. Back home, see George, go to work.
I was greeted by three amazing co-workers who knew the day was a big one, but had heard nothing from me about my morning thus far. Everyone was happy for me, but I was still sad. Maybe not sad. Just… uneasy. It didn’t seem real. The line was too light.
“Don’t get excited, Megan. It’s not a baby until it’s in your arms.”
As the day wore on, things began to sink in. I’m pregnant. I mean, I don’t have my beta numbers yet, but the test was positive. At least in some manner, POSITIVE.
“MEGAN, BE POSITIVE!”
So I began to get excited. I googled a due date calendar. July 23rd.
Finally my phone rang at 3:00pm. It was the clinic. And the news confirmed…. nothing. In fact, all is still the same. The FLIPPEN SAME.
My beta HCG as of the draw at 6:45am was 25. The clinic is comfortable when it’s 50 or higher. However, according to the nurse on the phone, babies have been born from beta HCG draws as low as 9 at my clinic. My estrogen (134) and progesterone (71) look great. Right where they need to be. In fact I even get to stop one (NASTY) medication tonight due to my great progesterone levels. Slight win, I guess.
But we are back to 50/50. According to the nurse on the phone, we are in the “Gray Area.” There is a 50% chance this pregnancy will lead to a baby. This could be a late implantation, I mean… levels start at 0 and go up from there. It is OBVIOUSLY possible that a beta draw could catch this upward trajectory at any time, including when my levels were at “25.” Or, this could be the beginning of another miscarriage. Of another end. There is no way of knowing until another blood draw is taken and data points can be compared. Is my HCG going up? Or is it going down? If it is going up, is it going up fast enough? A viable pregnancy (at this stage) need to have doubling HCG levels every 48-72 hours. So back to the clinic I go, early Thursday morning.
One more phone call to wait for, Thursday afternoon.
On the way to pick up my mom this morning I was scrolling through my Sirius stations and landed on a channel I don’t often listen to (I mean, it was channel 109 – and I ALWAYS listen this channel for Dr. Laura on my way home from work, but at 5:00AM it was Maria Menounos. I don’t know much about her, or her channel but this morning while I was thinking more about the wrapped up “pee stick taco shirt” next to me, I heard her guest speaking about Job.
Like, from the Bible, Job.
While I’ve never written about it, I often think about how my infertility journey is like Job’s. (I hope it’s not perceived as inappropriate for me to make this comparison. Job 1:1 makes statements Job’s character as being “blameless/upright,” one who “shunned evil,” and “feared God.” I’m not sure “Blameless” and “upright” are words that could be used to describe my person, but I certainly try to be an example of Christ to those around me. I do “fear God,” and “shun evil” as much as my human self can muster. Additionally, Job lost EVERYTHING. I mean, I am blessed. My house is still here, my family, my job, etc. Job? Everyone died. Everything Gone. Everything).
So I’m not trying to REALLY say I equate to what he went through.
But it still feels like the bottom of the bowl, at least once a month… and kind of today, too, as well. Job probably felt “bottom on the bowl,” much of his life, I mean, especially the bad parts. That’s where my comparison is coming from.
Interestingly, through all Job’s troubles, he maintained his faith in the Lord. Those around him (his own FRIENDS) even chided him saying things like, “How can you still stick with this God of yours? Your life is TERRIBLE! Curse his name and die, would ya?” But Job stuck it out. His faith was too strong to be crushed by Earthly sorrows.
And do you know how the book of Job ends? Pretty well for Job.
Job 42:12 states,
“The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.”
I don’t know why bad things happen. I don’t know why I’m where I am right now. I honestly don’t know if I’d rather today had been a straight “No” vs this current continued “50/50” I’m in. I feel bad saying that for anyone reading this who may be struggling in the same way. I know I am blessed to have this chance. But to go through another miscarriage at this point… no matter how early…. is just plain hard!
But my faith is still strong. I know the path God has for me leads to a baby. Leads to being called “Mommy” (for real and not by accident by kids in my room) one day.
I am moved by all the prayers of those reading my blog. I can never say thank-you enough to everyone for adding me to you personal petition list. You guys… I’m pregnant! Your prayers worked! Can you please change your prayers a bit? Please pray that it’s the way I STAY.
Strength for today, and bright hope…. for Thursday.