So I have a new assistant this year, Miss Melissa. I hate the word, “assistant” because honestly she is really just as much a “teacher” as I am. She has been working in early childhood longer than I have, comes up with great ideas, and overall is great with the kids. I mean, GREAT.
Anyway, one of her ideas this last week was to include a specific “Pete the Cat” song (I Love My White Shoes) into this week’s “Initial SH” Smart Board activities. It not only gives MULTIPLE opportunities for us to target the Initial “SH” sound in the word “SHoes” but also offers opportunities for my little ones to think about colors, feelings, and emotions. Feel free to click the link and watch it for yourself if you never have. It’s catchy!
While I’m pretty confident about my color knowledge (and my ability to produce a pretty steller Initial “SH” sound) I’ve been dealing quite poorly with my feelings and emotions this week.
It’s not depression. For sure. I know what that was, and while this process is in no way easy, I’m certainly not depressed or anxious to the point where I am needing counseling or Zoloft any longer. (I’ll take THAT as a WIN!)
I have maintained a pretty negative outlook about this cycle. Ever since last Saturday’s transfer I just knew it wouldn’t work. I was so positive going in, and then BOOM, change of plans and, BOOM, negative thoughts. I wish I wasn’t that way, but I am. It would just be too perfect if it worked the first time. There are too many terrible dates coming up. Of course I couldn’t be thrown a “celestial bone” of some kind and be pregnant just in time for me to actually enjoy the holiday season. Not with the way things have gone thus far. (I don’t even know what that last sentence means… but I don’t want to delete it because it’s a perfect representation of how I’m feeling. Everything is wrong, nothing will work, I’m broken and everyone around me has perfect baby-making bodies).
On Tuesday I found out that of our nine additional Day 5 Blasts, only five blasts made “The Freeze.” While we were expecting more, the nurse told me these additional five look “really good” and it’s a “haul” better than the average seen at the clinic. I’m not sure I believe her, but whatever. Be positive, Megan! Additionally, we paid for the package that allows us to do two more full stimulation cycles if need be, so it’s not like those remaining five are all we get (should none of them “stick“.) Regardless, not easy.
Like I touched on earlier, I’ve been very emotional. Random, Random, RANDOM emotional breakdowns. Mostly early in the morning, or later at night (which has been a blessing for me, not great on Joe) but there are times during the day where I just feel like I need to cry, and it’s almost humorous because I have no idea why!
Thankfully, Miss Melissa (unknowingly) has me on a twice-a-day Pete the Cat regimen in addition to my 3x/day Estrogen, and 2x/day Progesterone supplementation. If you haven’t watched the video yet, one of the overwhelming themes (as absent-minded Pete keeps stepping into various piles of shoe-destroying substances) is:
Did Pete Cry? GOODNESS NO!
He kept walking along and singing his song.
And that right there is my goal for the next four days.
Today I’m 5dp5dt (Five days post five day transfer). It’s the earliest one could test to see if a pregnancy has taken place. Like an idiot I did. And it was negative. Shouldn’t have done it! Did I cry? GOODNESS YES! But then, kept “walking along, and singing my song.”
Monday is the big day. I’ll go down for my blood test and will get a phone call (at work… how lovely) that day to tell me if I’m pregnant or not. While I’m not planning to test on my own anymore tomorrow or the next day, I’ll likely just get it over with Sunday night so as to better prepare myself for whatever Monday has to offer.
This process is really hard. But I have fabulous people surrounding me, and supporting me, in ways they may not even be aware of. When/IF the test is negative on Monday, I’m going to try SO HARD to think of that silly Pete the Cat video and keep walking along and singing my song.
“But I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”
Not only is Pete a giver of good advise, but the Holy Spirit through the Psalmist tells us that even in times of trouble we should sing praises to our God. It’s not easy. (Especially with all of these hormones!) But it’s my goal. To praise and give thanks no matter the outcome.
Someday I will be a mom. I know it’s coming. My timing says “NOW,” but as much as I want to be in control, I’m not. And maybe it’s not my time yet. Until it is, I’ll keep walking along… singing my song.