Things did not go as planned today. For good reason really. I know I should be feeling overly blessed, happy, ecstatic, etc….. but I just don’t. I am not one to process change well. I have always been one to stick to the plan. I live for a plan.
But plans change.
This morning we got a call around 8:50am asking us to delay coming down a bit. Everything was still fine, thankfully, but instead of a procedure at 10:20am, we would now be bumped to 11:00am due to other procedures taking longer than expected. Given the fact that you need to drink half your body weight in fluids and then hold it for an hour before the actual transfer, I was pleased with the update as that extra 40 minutes of unnecessary “holding” would have been killer had we not been informed. I mean, the way things were I felt like death. (Likely due to my still massively swollen ovaries – which was verified via ultrasound during the procedure – in addition to the fluids rule).
Anyway after my bladder was finally the perfect level of “filled” (They checked me TWICE and due to my being massively overfull by following their rules, I had to “relieve” myself in a fancy paper cup each time so that my bladder was just the right amount of full. Note to self, if I ever have to do this again…. only drink like a dixie cup of fluid. 24-36 ounces my BUTT!) our doctor came in to begin our procedure. And things began to NOT go as planned.
I don’t remember what came first, asking us officially “one or two” or telling us our statistics, but our statistics changed from his previous prediction. I confronted him on it, with something like, “That’s not what you said at our consult!” and he responded that it wasn’t that our stats “changed,” so much as he now had more evidence. Before it was a prediction, now he could make a determination based on more data: Our now very much present (and clinically graded) 5 Day Blastocysts.
The statistical change was actually a positive one, although in the end it doesn’t feel that way. If you will recall, our previous stats were 2% chance of triplets (okay I had that wrong… it was 2% not 1%), 33% chance of twins, and 65% chance of a singleton pregnancy should we put two 5 Day Blasts at Transfer. If we put one 5 Day Blast, our odds were 45% of a singleton pregnancy, and 2% of identical twins. Our stats as of today for putting in two 5 Day Blasts were 2% chance of triplets, 40% chance of twins, and 70-75% chance of a singleton pregnancy. If we only put in one 5 Day Blast, he said our stats would be 50% odds it would take.
Like we had previously discussed for well over a month now, I stated, “put in two.” Dr. S’s pressured us, asking if we were ready for twins and hammering home the increased risks. This was NOT the same conversation we had at our consult. At our consult he was MUCH more “pro put 2 in” than “only put 1 in,” and I began to feel the world seemingly fall out from under me. I don’t know if our increased stats are what changed his mind, or the fact that he literally just came home from the National IVF Conference in Texas two days ago (and by reading the literature myself I know there is increased pressure in the medical field on RE’s to reduce multiple birth rates), but once we noticed his change in demeanor about the subject I asked what he recommended we do.
He said, “For you, I recommend just one.”
Cue the tears. I’m not pregnant yet, I know. But the idea of there potentially being two hands to hold as I walk into church, down the aisle of the grocery story, down Main Street USA in Disney World, as a result of ALL of this WORK…. the idea of ONLY doing this whole process ONE time and ending up with the perfect “2 kids, one dog family,” … just flew out the window. It was still our choice, but he was recommending we didn’t stick with our plan. I knew the right choice to make. “Listen to your doctor. He’s only concerned about your health and the health of any future kids.” Furthermore, I knew Joe would NOT be happy with me if I pressured him on putting two in at this point as my health and the future health of any children is very much on his mind throughout this entire process.
Tears, Tears, Tears. More tears than I knew I could possibly cry! (Damn hormone pills/injections!)
I think everyone in the procedure room must have thought I was insane. How could I possibly be crying? They were going to put one perfect embaby in today! One above expectations 5 Day Blast! But I knew statistically if we did this, my odds of a “happy result” on Nov. 13th would be only 50%, and not 65% as I previously thought would be the case. And now, that 65% could be 70-75%, but we are being advised to shoot for less.
It almost felt like a miscarriage all over again. I feel terrible typing that, but it’s truly how I processed the feelings. I can’t help but think of the fact that on November 14th, 2016 (yes, one day after I find out the results of this first transfer) it will be the one year anniversary of our finding out we lost “Turbo” last year. I know that shouldn’t matter. But it’s still hard for me.
We did the right thing. Apparently. And put in one.
I’m trying to focus on the positives of today, because of course there are so many.
We have better than expected embryos.
We have a 50% chance of my being pregnant. (In fact right now I’m technically going with the “Trying to Conceive” Lingo of “PUPO – Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.”
I have this really cool picture of our potential “Baby Seager” that most parents will never get the chance to have.
We literally got to watch on a super huge TV screen as the Embriologist “sucked” up our embaby into the pipette from the other room, and then as Dr. S carefully placed our embaby into my uterus.
I got to pee out TWO CUPS of extra fluid which felt amazing!
And another biggie… we have NINE additional 5 Day Blasts at this time (not all of which may survive “the freeze,” but still much higher than anticipated).
I feel emotionally spent. My eyes have cried a lot today in response to so many differing emotions. Overjoyed, while equal parts devastated. And then guilt for feeling devistation, as we are so incredibly blessed to even be able to do what we did today.
I am so thankful for all the prayers, phone calls, text messages, and general love and support we have received over the last month. God has certainly put wonderful people into my life, and it has not gone unnoticed.
Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow.