When Joe and I first got married we muddled through our first year of “wedded bliss” like many couples do; some bliss, along with some “miss.” (Does that make sense? I like the rhyme, so I’m keeping it!) I mean, on top dealing with “first year of marriage” bumps, we both were very traditional in terms of our “courtship.” Unlike many couples in America today, we did not live together until after we were married. I’m glad we made the decision we did. It was in line with our faith, and made our marriage that much more special. But needless to say, we both learned a lot in that first year.
I distinctly remember a conversation during one of our “miss” moments where Joe said to me, “You don’t live in the moment.” He mocked me, saying, “If I can only get to Monday, then I’ll be happy! If I can only get to Christmas Break, then I’ll be able to relax!” He was right. I did say that a lot. I lived for the future, and not for the moment.
Dealing with infertility has made keeping thoughts of this nature at bay even more of a challenge for me. I mean, when we were first “trying” everything was pretty much in two week increments. Wait for ovulation, wait for the day you can POAS (Pee on a stick), over and over and over. And when that didn’t work more dates in between were added. I can’t wait for my fertility clinic consult. I can’t wait to get my period so we can start with the clinic next round. … can’t wait for the baseline ultrasound. …can’t wait for the mid cycle ultrasound. …can’t wait for the Trigger Shot. …can’t wait for the IUI. …can’t wait for the blood test. Always another step of, “If I can only get to Tuesday” etc.
On the flip side, there has also been a lot of fear of dates as well. The biggest of which was my fear of our due date, June 7th (for obvious reasons I won’t go into right now because I don’t need to cry tonight). More recently it’s been the due dates of other close friends who had been pregnant around me while we were trying to get pregnant, or the impending weekend when a close friend was to announce that she was pregnant.
I just find it fascinating how important dates on the calendar have become in my life. In particular the strong emotional gut punch they give, when ultimately it’s just another day around the sun.
Tomorrow is September 27th. The day I found out I was pregnant last year. It’s a big date, but for the first time in this journey, I’m not super bummed about it. I have another date in mind.
On Saturday morning, we are adding a new member to the Seager family. George. I am deeply thankful to my husband for agreeing to begin this life changing puppy journey with me. Joe has had dogs much of his life, but told me before we were married that he was looking forward to a home free of “dog duty” (or should I say, “dog dootie” … hehe!). He always told me, “Dog or Kids,” and, of course, I picked the kids.
Well sadly, that’s choice isn’t always easy.
(Okay… I guess I am going to cry tonight. Damn it!)
When June 7th came up and we were STILL not pregnant, Joe caved. He said I could find a puppy, and I immediately put money down on a litter that would guarantee I would be a “mommy” by a specific date.
On Saturday morning, we will drive up to Portage to spend an hour with the three male pups from Lucy and Duke’s litter. We have first pick of the male pups, and I am dying to meet them, make the impossible decision as to which one is “George Seager,” and most of all, take our fluff ball home.
I’m ready to care for someone that depends on me. I’m ready to teach someone that is my own, and not someone else’s. Most importantly, I’m ready to share the job of nurturing and loving a third member of our family with my husband. While Joe and I bond over a lot of our individual interests with each other (“What do you think of my newest BMW?” or “What was your favorite part of Boeing Boeing?”) we don’t have a hobby (well besides going out to eat!) that we share the same level of excitement or interest for. I’m eager to share “puppy raising” in an equally excited and interested manner with Joe. And on Saturday that begins.
I have a character flaw in always looking to the future. George on Saturday, big IVF appointment the following Wednesday… IVF tentatively scheduled for the first week of November…
But if I can just get to George, I’ll be happy.