Faith · infertility · IUI

Up Hill Climb – Cycle 2 – 9dpiui

Today I’m nine days post IUI.  This cycle I have tried to keep the mindset of “Be positive, be happy, be stress-free.”  Overall, I’ve been very pleased with how I’ve emotionally handled myself in this task.

9dpiui is an interesting place to be.  In the TTC/IUI world there are many different perspectives to be taken during the dreaded TWW (two week wait).  To test or not to test… that is the question?  And which of the many things should one test?  Some women (myself included) take a trigger shot of HCG (the pregnancy hormone) before their IUI for timing purposes.  For that reason, one might choose to test out their trigger shot. Kind of crazy to think about it… it being physically possible for me to get a positive pregnancy test for about a week after the IUI due to the hormones in my body from the trigger shot. I could then watch the line disappear, day after day,  before watching it hopefully reappear to indicate a pregnancy had taken place.   Last cycle I refused to pee on any and all sticks and just waited for the blood pregnancy test from my clinic.   Constant negatives are no fun.  And fake positives are even worse.  For some reason today I decided to break my rule.

I don’t know why.

I told myself, “Just look and see if the trigger is gone.  It’s way to early for a positive to show up at only 9dpiui so it won’t matter if you see a negative on the test.”

I saw a negative.  100% negative….

…..and my heart sank.

On paper this means nothing.  But in my head I immediately felt the switch into the “this didn’t work…AGAIN” mode.

 

Switching Gears.

 

This week was “Back to School” for all teaching staff in my district.  After a summer of (mostly) nothing, all the meetings, new paperwork requirements, classroom organization, and Open House nights were a big shock to my system.  You’d think after five years I’d get use to this?

I’ll give myself credit in one regard: I was not overly stressed.  What is normally a week that includes tears due to stress and overwhelming feelings of, “How in the world am I going to get this all done?” was a drop in the bucket this year.  Was it because I knew “too much stress can be a factor in infertility,” or the fact that it was now my fifth year returning for another school year (Life degree earned!  Get it?  First 4 years of on the job experience? CHECK! )?  Perhaps.  But I think the bigger reason may be due to the fact that I now know what the worst thing in the world is.  Losing a pregnancy.  And no matter how screwed up I feel my classroom, caseload, or district may be… these issues are really trivial in the end.

Today we had an entire employee assembly to kick off the start of the school year.  Over 3000 employees all in one room, gathered to celebrate the beginning of the 17/18 academic year.  Our district is facing a lot this year.  If test scores don’t improve adequately enough, there is a good chance many teachers will be fired, the state will take over, and many programs (including my own) will change or be eliminated.

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However, we celebrated.

We had fun.

We know the battle of the 2017/2018 School Year is coming, and it’s going to be one for the books! However, we smiled, applauded, cheered, took selfies (we were told too… okay?), and looked optimistically toward the year ahead.

Normally, I look to Christ for metaphors of comfort and peace.  Today, (ironically) I look to my district.  (I say, “ironically” mostly because I’m not always a fan of the choices made by those leading our district.  Education is tough.  Solving problems in an urban population is challenging to say the least.)  Things may be looking grim at the moment, but the only way to go from here is up.  There were moments today that I was filled with so much joy, hope, and moved even to tears by the students assisting in our all district assembly.

If my district can bond, rally, and push forward like this… so can I.

Bring on tomorrow.

10dpiui…………..  Do your worst!

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2 thoughts on “Up Hill Climb – Cycle 2 – 9dpiui

  1. You are a great writer!!!

    Also, don’t give up hope. I was convinced I’d never see that second line on the pregnancy test when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant the first time. After seeing a specialist and being out on meds, I was worried that it would just never happen for me….and I felt very sad. Then one month I started spotting and told my husband that yet again I wasn’t pregnant (I always spotted a couple days before my period). I had never been so sure I wasn’t pregnant. However, several days later (in a fit of anger actually) I decided to pee on a stick. To this day I have no idea what prompted me to do it…..maybe I was crabby and wanted something to be even angrier about??? Either way….that was when I saw my second line. When I was so sure I never would. …and it was the happiest day of my life. Hands down.

    I’m not telling this to “rub it in” or anything, and I hope you know that! I just want to keep you having faith and hope! Please remember that when it does happen for you (and I know the hardest part is worrying that it won’t…but I have faith that it WILL happen for you!) you will be an even better mommy because of your struggles!!! I know I am. I always wanted to be a mom, but fearing it wouldn’t happen sure did make me appreciate it even more!!!

    Sorry for the novel, and I hope nothing I wrote rubbed you the wrong way (I only say that bc when we were trying, a lot of things rubbed me wrong)! I just admire you for sharing your journey, and want to be here for you if I can!!! I will be praying that things work out for you soon!!! You will be an amazing mom!

    Like

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