Today I’m nine days post IUI. This cycle I have tried to keep the mindset of “Be positive, be happy, be stress-free.” Overall, I’ve been very pleased with how I’ve emotionally handled myself in this task.
9dpiui is an interesting place to be. In the TTC/IUI world there are many different perspectives to be taken during the dreaded TWW (two week wait). To test or not to test… that is the question? And which of the many things should one test? Some women (myself included) take a trigger shot of HCG (the pregnancy hormone) before their IUI for timing purposes. For that reason, one might choose to test out their trigger shot. Kind of crazy to think about it… it being physically possible for me to get a positive pregnancy test for about a week after the IUI due to the hormones in my body from the trigger shot. I could then watch the line disappear, day after day, before watching it hopefully reappear to indicate a pregnancy had taken place. Last cycle I refused to pee on any and all sticks and just waited for the blood pregnancy test from my clinic. Constant negatives are no fun. And fake positives are even worse. For some reason today I decided to break my rule.
I don’t know why.
I told myself, “Just look and see if the trigger is gone. It’s way to early for a positive to show up at only 9dpiui so it won’t matter if you see a negative on the test.”
I saw a negative. 100% negative….
…..and my heart sank.
On paper this means nothing. But in my head I immediately felt the switch into the “this didn’t work…AGAIN” mode.
This week was “Back to School” for all teaching staff in my district. After a summer of (mostly) nothing, all the meetings, new paperwork requirements, classroom organization, and Open House nights were a big shock to my system. You’d think after five years I’d get use to this?
I’ll give myself credit in one regard: I was not overly stressed. What is normally a week that includes tears due to stress and overwhelming feelings of, “How in the world am I going to get this all done?” was a drop in the bucket this year. Was it because I knew “too much stress can be a factor in infertility,” or the fact that it was now my fifth year returning for another school year (Life degree earned! Get it? First 4 years of on the job experience? CHECK! )? Perhaps. But I think the bigger reason may be due to the fact that I now know what the worst thing in the world is. Losing a pregnancy. And no matter how screwed up I feel my classroom, caseload, or district may be… these issues are really trivial in the end.
Today we had an entire employee assembly to kick off the start of the school year. Over 3000 employees all in one room, gathered to celebrate the beginning of the 17/18 academic year. Our district is facing a lot this year. If test scores don’t improve adequately enough, there is a good chance many teachers will be fired, the state will take over, and many programs (including my own) will change or be eliminated.
However, we celebrated.
We had fun.
We know the battle of the 2017/2018 School Year is coming, and it’s going to be one for the books! However, we smiled, applauded, cheered, took selfies (we were told too… okay?), and looked optimistically toward the year ahead.
Normally, I look to Christ for metaphors of comfort and peace. Today, (ironically) I look to my district. (I say, “ironically” mostly because I’m not always a fan of the choices made by those leading our district. Education is tough. Solving problems in an urban population is challenging to say the least.) Things may be looking grim at the moment, but the only way to go from here is up. There were moments today that I was filled with so much joy, hope, and moved even to tears by the students assisting in our all district assembly.
If my district can bond, rally, and push forward like this… so can I.
Bring on tomorrow.
10dpiui………….. Do your worst!